web analytics

Rebel rebel

I got pulled over again!! I ran out after dinner to get gas, and some douche bag cop was hiding next to a stop sign with his lights off (it was dark), and he stopped me for not coming to a “complete stop.” Mind you, this is a back road, and no one stops for this sign, and even though I didn’t come to a textbook stop (i.e. slam on your brakes, look around, count to 45, read the newspaper, hug a baby, then continue driving) I came pretty damn close. Thankfully my mad cop deflecting skills turned a potentially bad situation into a humorous story. It went something like this:

“Evening sir. Know why I pulled you over?” “No. Isn’t it your job to know that?” “…I know why pulled you over, I was wondering if you knew why.” “Nope. I’m clueless, Porky.”
“Well, see that stop sign back there, with the young Negro girl hanging from it? You failed to obey it.” “You expect me to take orders from an inanimate object? Excuse me for having a sack of manhood between my legs. Changed your tampon lately, officer?” “It’s the law, son. I’m going to have to write you a ticket.” “Going to have to catch me first, asshole!”
(seconds later)
“Now you can add a speeding ticket to your collection!”
(blows officer)

Good thing I think quick on my feet!



Permanent link to this article: http://thecomedypage.com/?p=79

Alien Romance Novel

I don’t have much to say today, so I’m posting a short bit I wrote in August 2004. I had completely forgotten about it until I stumbled across it by accident today. It’s a spoof on those crappy romance novels that are basically porno for chicks. Hope you enjoy.

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 9 of “The Love Eaters”

Shanak leaned against the wall, trying to compose herself. Everything had happened so fast. Her hearts pounded inside her chest, causing her to ooze from the mouth.
“Your mouth froth…is refreshing,” Nonon remarked, as he lit the fire with a flick of his tongue.

She chuckled. When was the last time her life completion partner had done that for her?

Still, as cruel as Rakaaaaaabil had been to her, she couldn’t help feeling bad about staying with Nonon. Why, if anyone ever found out, she’d never be able to live with herself. Especially after the Council dismembered her.

Nonon sensed her anguish, and made his way over to her. He always made her feel nervous, but it was a good nervous. She felt young again, and his touch brought back memories of forbidden love, and smoking knosh behind her father’s back. She closed her eyes and felt her body tingle as he brushed her cheek with his sharp claw. Goosebumps peppered her skin as she let out a moan, and probably some more froth.

“Don’t be nervous, my sweet Shanak, there is nothing to be afraid of,” Nonon assured her. “Your partner is far away, harvesting puppies on Xeor. We are all alone.”

With this she lost all control, and she pushed him back onto the bed. They exchanged smiles as his love rod filled to capacity. She slipped out of her nightwear and lowered herself down on him. The moonlight cloaked his body in a brilliant red glow, and his muscular tentacles gleamed in the night.

She had never spawned like this before. She felt his love rod thrust repeatedly inside of her poontonk, while his tentacles fondled her seven holes, and even toyed with the taboo eighth hole. The bed rocked back and forth with their bodies, and she screamed Nonon’s nickname, “Bob,” each time he pounded her.

Finally, she felt him shudder as his love rod released his spawn juice inside of her. She let out a sad sigh. Despite momentous research efforts, scientists still were unable to locate the female climax region.

“Good thing I was wearing a fluid retaining device,” he smirked.

“You were so great,” she said. She then threw up on him, as was tradition. She tickled his tummy, and then rested her head on his balls. Just as she felt herself falling into a deep, relaxing sleep, she heard something outside.

“What is that?” she whispered. But before he could respond, the futuristic, shiny door burst open.

It was Rakaaaaaabil.

“So, the rumors are true!” he exclaimed. He glanced at Nonon. “And you, how could you? My own mother!”

Shanak was shocked. “Your…mother?”


Renoxikela Blaben was born on the 5 of Jar, 1424595. He started his career by writing futuristic tales of fair-skinned creatures who walked on two legs and who had hairy reproduction areas. These tales proved too extreme for audiences, and he moved into erotic fiction. He currently resides on Gnak with his wife and 8.5 children.



Permanent link to this article: http://thecomedypage.com/?p=74

Deep Thoughts

On the way home from work today, I got to thinking “What ever happened to the Pink Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson? She was pretty hot.” I heard she had got into porn, but I wasn’t sure.

So I stopped by amyjojohnson.com. She’s a singer now. Also, she’s older than I thought. I was thinking late 20′s, but she’s in her mid 30′s. She also has some artwork on the site. And surprisingly enough there’s a huge fan site, amyjo.com. It has tons of stuff on it. I’m amazed her career justifies such a devotion. Well, have a good night everyone.


Permanent link to this article: http://thecomedypage.com/?p=71

Colin Farrell’s “Sex Tape” Review

Nicole Narain (left) and Colin Farrell (far right) star in the controversial tape

Colin Farrel‘s “Sex Tape” comes at a time when our society has developed a blase attitude toward celebrity sex video endouvers, unlike times past where a raunchy video could land you in real trouble (i.e. Rob Lowe). Known for his leading roles in Hollywood blockbusters such as “Minority Report,” Colin Farrell has been in something of a career slump lately. 2004′s fall slouch “Alexander” proved an embarrassing failure for both Farrel and veteran filmmaker Stone, and neither star has yet to fully recover. Mr. Farrell has been reduced to taking sporadic roles on network sitcoms and starring in the historical yawn “The New World.”

It is no surprise he chose now to release “Sex Tape.” Made in 2003 during downtime while shooting “Daredevil,” this film has stirred up loads of media attention, which has to be just what he intended. Low-budget and hardcore, this film attempts to follow on the blazing heels of the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” which blasted Ms. Hilton out of billionaire-heiress obscurity into Fox reality show stardom. Unfortunately for Mr. Farrell, this film is no Paris Hilton Sex Tape.

Unlike the Paris Hilton tape (which was directed by and starred Richard Salomon, husband of Shannon Dougherty), Colin’s sex tape lacks any preparation, any passion and any decent camera angles. Though the S.W.A.T. night vision effect used by Salomon really freaked me out (their eyes glowed like raccoon’s), at least I could make out what was going on. But after the initial two minute P.O.V. oral sex shot, Colin abandons any attempt to make this thing watchable. At times I thought it was being filmed by a Blair Witch cameraman with epilepsy with Helen Keller as D.P.

And what a shame, too. This movie also stars gorgeous Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, and Farrell does her no justice with this film (nor does he in bed). Most disturbing is when he makes her take the camera, and we the audience are forced to see what it looks like to be orally pleasured by the Neo-Nazi haircut Farrell, a disturbing sight indeed. Farrell only adds to the freakiness when he looks up and declares, “Holy f**k, my f**king breakfast lunch and dinner right here, I’m not even f**king joking.” Yum! Dinner, anyone?

Admittedly, this is Colin’s first sex tape. In the film he comments about being an avid porn enthusiast, but for some reason he chose not to tap this storehouse of knowledge for his own video. Also, I am more ripped than Colin Farrell. This dude looks like an Auschwitz survivor who did 10 push-ups minutes before the tape started rolling. I’m also better hung. In the now-classic “Tommy and Pamela Lee” video, I didn’t mind occasionally seeing Tommy’s penis. I’m not gay, but it was a sight to behold, something to tell the grandkids about. Colin’s wang is something you may spot by accident in a Bally‘s shower that makes you feel a little bit better about your manhood.

In his defense, while having awkward/painful “sit-on-my-lap-with-your-back-facing-me” sex, Colin does admit, “This is some of the shabbiest f**king photography in the history of f**king porn, but you know what? I could give a f**k.”

Still, we wish he had.



Permanent link to this article: http://thecomedypage.com/?p=66

The Flu-A Viral Pansy

I’d forgotten how rough the flu can be, as it’s been about eight years since I’ve had it. Simply put: The Flu is a dick. Though it only lasts a few days, it causes horrible misery, and really cramps your social life. And it’s totally pointless. I mean, what does this virus hope to accomplish? AIDS kills people. It has an agenda. Once you’re infected, it will never leave you until it has done its job.

Not the Flu. This pussy wimps out after a few days. Ok, if you’re 80 years old it could be fatal, but so what? That’s nothing for a virus to brag about. I wonder what AIDS and his homey Ebola think of the Flu? They probably kicked his ass in high school. The only thing the Flu deserves props for is longevity. I’m pretty sure he has been around as long as man. But he’s still a punk.

To prove my point, Monday at work, tell a co-worker that you have AIDS. Wait a moment, gauge their reaction, then say you were mistaken, you have the Flu. I bet they won’t be as concerned. They’ll just be miffed that you’ve been dipping your hands in the donut box all morning.



Permanent link to this article: http://thecomedypage.com/?p=63

» Newer posts