I’d like to take a moment to apologize to a small but special group of people in the world-the other Justin Hagermans. I was bored at work today so I Googled myself for the first time.
I would now like to take this opportunity to say “I’m sorry.”
I cannot imagine how hard life has been for all of you because of me. How many prospective jobs have fallen through at the last minute because an interviewer Googled your name? How many first dates have been cancelled because a woman saw who she thought was you on the internet, holding their hand out with faux sperm in front of a group of children?
Bits on my old website that have cost you from moving up the social ladder:
- “Spanish Condom Names”
- “Goat Porn”
- My series of masturbation poems
- “Tits & Ass Anonymous”
- This entire message board
I’m sorry fellas. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, really. I’m sure many of you had promising futures before I came along: Astronauts, doctors, politicians-but thanks to the internet (and me), none of this will ever come to be. Maybe they don’t have Google in the Czech Republic? I’m sure they still need doctors in the Czech Republic. Why golly, I bet you could even be the President there!
I would like to tell you that from now on I promise to be a fine, upstanding citizen with two kids, a white picket fence, and a wife I didn’t pay for.
But I can’t lie to you, you’re too smart for that. You’re Justin Hagerman.