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Parallel Adventures

Last night I saw a pretty interesting show on parallel universes. Basically, modern physicists believe that an infinite number of “parallel” universes exist in another dimension, meaning that right now, an alternate version of you is reading this blog-the only difference is you’re wearing disco pants and living in Cuba.

This inspired me to write a short story (with pictures!) about what it would be like if I traveled to a parallel universe…

(At my computer) There, I’ve finally done it! I’ve viewed every possible shred of pornography on the internet, even that disturbing yet alluring dinosaur bondage site. And all this cost me was my savings, friends, and family. Small price to pay, I say! I wonder if I should put this on my resume?
Mr. Hagerman, this is The Internet-Congratulations, you have unlocked the portal to Dimension B, a universe parallel to your own!
Wow, another universe! I’m willing to bet they have freaky porn I’ve never even dreamed of. Let’s go!


Welcome to Universe B, friend! My name is Jason Haggerman. I would’ve thought a version of me dropping in from another universe would be startling, but it takes a lot to shock me after I just finished downloading every shred of pornography in the galaxy.
It’s kind of a zen moment, isn’t it?
Yes, yes it is. So as you can no doubt tell, I am exceedingly rich. My short film, Bliss, was a critical and financial success, a watershed moment in indie filmmaking. Did yours fare as well?
(long, uncomfortable pause, the only sounds being the clock ticking and Justin’s stomach rumbling)

…uh, oh yeah, yeah…big hit, bit hit…

I also just made a sh*tload in the stock market. Our economy is flourishing under the leadership of our genius president. Was your 2000 election as close as ours?
Yeah, but it sounds like Gore won out here. So this is how things would’ve turned out, huh? I knew it!
Gore, are you mad?? That incompetent hick couldn’t lead his way out of a paper bag. No sir, President Dr. Bush is our leader!
Come again?
President Dr. Bush, defender of the poor and patron of the arts! President Dr. Bush, born in a log cabin, which he disassembled and rebuilt at age four to make it more energy efficient. President Dr. Bush, whose thesis paper “The United States & the Relation Between its Foreign Religious Policies & Radical Islam” led to a peace accord with the Middle East. A nice chap named Saddam Hussein owns a Starbucks down the street, if you’re thirsty.
This universe kicks ass! I bet you still have to deal with pissy old people and loud babies though.
Actually, the elderly are sent to an island so as to not disrupt the flow of traffic, or vote irresponsibly in Presidential elections. On the island they are melted down into a pollution free fuel. But yes, babies can be annoying. Every time they cry, Led Zeppelin IV is heard playing from their mouths. You have no idea how sick I am of Misty Mountain Hop!
This just keeps getting better and better! I think I’ll like it here. I can only imagine how hot the women are.
Wo-men? I am not familiar with this species-the only humans here are men, and we reproduce asexually.
You mean there are no chicks here? That’s insane!! So what was that porn you were downloading?
That’s personal! You’re not asexophobic, are you?
No, oh no, no…so yeah, I think I’m gonna skedaddle. Have fun with that asexual thing, I hope that works out for you.

(Justin transports back to his own universe, disheartened after being so close to finding the perfect life)

Who was that, love?
Just another parallel version of myself, Never-Married-Or-Pregnant Britney Spears.
You scared him away with that asexual schtick, didn’t you? If you weren’t so f**king hot, that childish behavior would get on my nerves. That being said, Ms. Portman and Ms. Jolie are waiting in the master bedroom, so let’s get going!


I think that’s the most plausible scenario, don’t you?

Some quick things-Live Earth was pretty swell, wasn’t it? I think the best performances were from the Smashing PumpkinsGenesis and Foo Fighters (those link to videos), but my favorite was when Spinal Tap invited every band’s bass player out to play the hook from Big Bottom.

FYI, I found those videos today at work, because our system was down for two hours. I technically got paid to surf YouTube:)



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