Final Thoughts

Sorry for the lag in posting. I’m sure all of my fans are dying to hear how everything went, so here goes…

Series of events for August 15th, 2007

I woke up at 7 a.m. excited and insanely nervous for my segment on the NBC 10! show (click that link for more info), a Philadelphia version of “The Today Show.” They had called the day before to inform me that in addition to the interview, I would be doing 2 minutes of stand-up. I asked if I could do the same jokes that I had won the WMGK contest with, and I was told that would be fine. I had recorded an episode of the show a week before, and a comedian had done a joke about a “Hardcore porn virus” which has ravaged his parents’ computer, so I thought my material would be appropriate.

I show up on time and ready for action, and before the show starts they record a 1 minute “teaser” of me doing my stand-up to lead into the commercial break before my segment. I do the electric chair bit, and the crew seems to like it. (The crew, by the way, was really cool & cordial). In the green room I spent some time talking to another guest that day, Darren McGrady, who was Princess Diana’s personal chef. He was surprisingly down-to-earth and gave me a signed copy of his book.

You can’t really see the stage from the green room, so I didn’t get a good look at the audience until the show actually started at 10 a.m., at which point I noticed that there was a sh*tload of kids in the crowd. WTF? No one told me the audience would be composed of 99% children!! Evidently they were tied into a segment which would happen later in the show, and I got to wondering, ‘Why the hell would they plan a stand-up segment when they knew the audience would be all kids?’ My palms started to sweat and I became even more nervous, as I’m only minutes away from performing.

I tell myself to calm down. After all, they approved my material and didn’t question it any further. I figured my jokes would go over their heads, and the few parents in the crowd would chuckle. Whatever, I’ve bombed before. The PA brings me out, they come back from commercial and I run out like a pro and this is what I’m greeted by:

What followed is pretty obvious. I have it on tape, but I haven’t summoned up the balls to watch it yet. I do a joke about my degree being worthless, and follow it with my Ultrasound and Electric Chair bits. No one seemed offended, and the kids laughed because I seemed silly. Even their parents laughed, though there was a palpable constipated feeling in the air. Someone later asked me, “Why would you do jokes about death and sperm if you knew there would be kids there?” Well, remember, I didn’t f**king know!! This disaster was followed by an awkward interview segment, which consisted of the hosts trying to cover their asses by making it seem as if I knew there would be kids out there. I threw it back at them, though, by pleading my genuine ignorance of this, and stressing that I was a beginning amateur.

I really didn’t know how bad things were until the cameras went off. The smiles immediately disappeared from the hosts’ faces, and they wouldn’t even look at me. I began to walk back towards the green room when a crazed woman started frantically calling me out into the hallway. I knew it was about to hit the fan because the crew wouldn’t even look at me-They knew I was about to get pounded.

The woman shook my hand, introduced herself as the Executive Producer, and said, “You really just f**ked us bad.” The next few minutes I was kind of in shock, like after a car accident, and as she was escorting me out of the building she was yelling about how sponsors would back out, “This was the worst f**king sh*t that had ever f**king happened to them,” etc. Basically, telling me that I had destroyed NBC 10. Perhaps all of television!

Well, the whole thing is funny now. It wasn’t that day, though, and she almost f**ked me over that night at Helium because I was an anxious wreck the rest of the day. I kept picturing all of these children spending the next few years in intense therapy, right next to the children of people killed on 9/11, and those kids would be thinking, “Jesus, we really don’t have it bad at all; these kids are really messed up!”

But I got my sh*t together (kind of), and after some booze I did a pretty awesome set in front of friends, family, and a large crowd of strangers. The show was actually quite packed. You can download the audio of that set by downloading this link (Right-click, hit “Save As”).

The WMGK girl presenting me with my trophy before the show. (I seem to be thinking about vulgar things that she, the trophy & I could do together after the show)

Another pic of me & the unique yet awesome trophy. Admittedly, I look a little gay in this picture.

Photos all taken by Mr. Mike Miller

That night my friends and I hit the mean streets of Philly to party, and we settled on The Continental on the corner of 2nd and Market Street. That place is pretty swank, I must say. We drank on the roof, and the whole thing was very James Bond-ish.

Waiting for the valet to fetch our cars after The Continental.

The next morning I woke up to do some stand-up on the John DeBella show. I was hung over and running on 2 hours sleep, but I did pretty awesome. Even my banter was top-notch. They found the whole NBC 10 thing funny, which is cool, as I was worried that I’d doomed the radio station as well.

This whole thing has been fun/weird/scary/cool, and I want to thank everyone who came out to see me. I’d also like to thank the 10! show, because they have inadvertently given me street cred among the Philly comedy community.

On an unrelated, PLEEEASE vote or comment on my entry for the Heinz ad contest. You may view it on YouTube here.

Ok I’m sick of talking about me, I’m gonna go drink some vodka.

JH