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Rage Against The Plant

An open letter to Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant

Dear Mr. Plant:

Congratulations on your recent Led Zeppelin reunion show in London. Good show, old boy! Sorry I wasn’t there, though it was not for lack of trying, as I made it known that I would’ve done the most ardous of sexual favors to have acquired a ticket.

Being only 26, I was not yet alive while Led Zeppelin were touring, and since that mail order time machine hasn’t arrived yet, I doubt I’ll ever get to see one of those shows. So you can understand my excitement when I heard reliable rumors that you were planning a world tour after the London concert. I think it’s safe to say that it would be the most anticipated tour of our time, short of someone digging up Lennon and Harrison for a marionette performance with the surviving Beatles.

Anyway, when I heard that you, Mr. Plant, were no longer interested in a reunion tour because you were committed to your current tour with Alison Krauss (whoever the flippin f**k that is), my heart sank, and my balls retracted into my abdomen. WHAT THE HELL, MAN? Who gave you the right to decide if you’d be involved in a Led Zeppelin tour or not? What was that London show for, “Charity?” Bull. You’re a musical cocktease, man. If I run into you on the street, I’m going to beat your ass, right after I shake your hand, get an autograph, and get a cell phone picture to document the event, all while I’m secretly stealing a lock of your hair to eBay. Watch your back, Plant.



Sorry about that. I’m actually not as pissed as I could’ve been, because I’m still stoked about the Foo Fighters concert I just saw. It was pretty awesome, but it was a shame they had to perform in the Spectrum. It was kind of like getting it on with this really hot chick, but in a porta potty. Kind of dampers the elation. Below is a picture of me at the show.

I’ll also be seeing the Police in July, hopefully Stone Temple Pilots in May, and quite maybe REMin June. I’m a regular roadie.

What else have I been up to…Oh, I moved. Across the parking lot. I thought it would be easy since it wasn’t that far, but even with a moderate sized U-Haul and lots of help, it still sucked ass. Thanks to Greg, Hank & Angela for their help. I know you guys had a blast, because helping friends move is always fun! Greg was all smiles. I’m saving a lot of money by moving into a studio apartment, though it’ll be a little cramped until my girlfriend finishes her class and moves out. Like, four Sumo wrestlers in a VW bug cramped.

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