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When I first started writing these things two years ago (wow), I was really hesitant to use the term “Blog,” as that’s always been synonymous with coffee-shop-laptop-opinions hacked out by 80’s yuppie spawn. I eventually sucked it up and embraced the term, though I still cry a little bit on the inside each time I use it.

So I’ve been viewing lots of people’s blogs to get ideas to improve my site, and that’s when I lost it. No sooner did I start asking around for advice then I was blasted for using incorrect terminology. First off, I wasn’t looking at blogs, I was “surfing the blogosphere.” WTF? (the only good internet slang). Blogosphere? That sounds like a giant bubble where astronauts decontaminate themselves in space.

I was then advised to check out the “Microblogs” posted on “Twitter.” Microblogs? Aren’t those tiny objects that cause a bladder infection? And what asshole coined the phrase “Twitter?” Twitter, to me, sounds like the name a San Francisco couple gives their pet ferret. Maybe they’re distant relatives of yours, and you happened to be in the Bay Area visiting, so you dropped by. You’re having a great time, enjoying some of their offbeat culture, when their pet ferret jumps on your lap. You’re like, “Cute ferret. What’s his name?” You assume it’s Furro, or James Bond, or some shit, but you’re uncomfortably surprised when you’re told it’s Twitter.
You bite your tongue and remain calm, trying to be good company, knowing you’ll be stewing over this retarded name for weeks to come.

“Actually,” the person says, “It’s Twitter II. The original Twitter was killed by our last relative who visited.”

You lose all control. The only thing worse than a shitty pet name is a shitty pet name appendage such as Jr. or III.

Outraged over this travesty of a name for a travesty of a pet (Ferrets aren’t pets, they’repests.), you grab poor Twitter and launch him in front of a San Francisco streetcar, content you’ve done the right thing by putting this animal out of its misery. The police give you a reward and arrest your relatives for animal cruelty.

Twitter, a real dick.

Other lame internet terms:
Emoticon: This sounds like a robot I could have sex with.
Hotspot: A rash on your balls?
Blurker: When you fart in a hot tub?
Flaming: (Insert cheap gay joke here)

The correct phrase for all of this internet terminology is “Netlingo.” But you know what? Sounds like people just coin these phrases to make the internet seem more hip and exclusive. They serve no real purpose other than to make “bloggers” feel like they’re on the cusp of a technological revolution. But they’re not, they’re just self-important assholes. Edit: I am also a self-important asshole.

So I propose a new phrase for these overhyped words: Blingo.

Side note: Doing research for this I stumbled upon a list of internet acronyms “Every parent should know” here. I don’t have kids that I know of, but it was pretty interesting nonetheless. I’m really out of the loop. I feel like some old grandpa. “In my day, we just had A/S/L!” Check out what #21 on that list is. I think that’s hilarious, and I’m going to start incorporating it into all of my text messages.



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