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Man Up, Baby!

Yesterday I received something a little odd in the mail. Somehow I got put on a list to receive some samples of Enfamil, along with coupons for similar products to help me “Raise my new bundle of joy.” I’ve been thinking really, really hard why anyone would think that I was pregnant, but I keep coming up short. I mean, wouldn’t a package addressed to “Mr. Justin Hagerman” raise a red flag in their mailing department? I suppose one of my neighbors could’ve signed me up; I have been eating too many cheeseburger hotdogs lately, and my unemployment status could be mistaken for maternity leave. So I’ll keep the bloody Enfamil. Hey, with today’s high food prices, it’s beginning to look pretty appetizing.

Speaking of babies, today I saw an internet ad for a baby cradle, a Zen baby cradle. This was funny because I recently helped my mom clean out her attic, and we threw away my 1982 wood n’ nails cradle. Seriously, I’m amazed I didn’t maim myself on this thing. I don’t know what sort of sick bastards were running the baby industry back then, but one thing was certain-they hated babies.

Zen cradle (Starbucks Menu Mobile sold separately)

My cradle. Oh, the memories!

But you know what? That cradle taught me survival instincts, man. There’s a reason American kids today are fat, dumb, and helpless. Moms are wimping down their kids from day one with Zen baby cribs and other new age yuppie baby bullshit. While you were playing soothing prenatal music for your fetus, Indian and Chinese women were rocking their wombs with “Crime and Punishment” on tape. American parents need to stop babying their babies. This Fisher-Price Zen collection thing should be the first thing to go. Just check out their website (watch the video). Those babies need to be blasted with Metallica, not wind chimes.

I propose a new rite of passage for babies. At eight months old, set your baby loose in the wilderness. Supply them with nothing but dehydrated meals, a compass, and a whip, and see how they fare. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll wind up standing a chance against their Asian counterparts.

Good luck Billy!

Oh, while searching for pictures I stumbled across an ENTIRE web site dedicated to this couple’s baby. Why do people think their children are special? They aren’t, unless they can fly. Otherwise, please don’t bother the rest of us with your boring child. Check back with us in 30 years, and we’ll judge for ourselves just how special that kid turned out to be.

The worst part about that site? It’s updated more than mine.


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