It seems like you can’t turn on the TV nowadays without being overwhelmed by political news, tickers, blogs, polls, statistics, commentators, Wolf Blitzer, pundits, Wolf Blitzer, predictions, or Wolf Blitzer. I used to be really into this stuff, too. Man, I could tell you who you were voting for before you even knew who you were voting for. Well, chalk it up to my current situation, but I just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Maybe I’m just in my jaded mid-20’s, who knows. Frankly, I’m not sure we should trust anyone who wants to be President right now. What a clusterf**k they have to deal with! They’ll feel like a pledge cleaning up a frat house the morning after a huge blowout party. Despite my disdain for the current political climate, however, I’d like to take this opportunity to formally announce my candidacy for the 2036 Presidential election.
“Hold on,” you’re probably thinking, “you’re not qualified to be President, you silly-billy!” Well guess what, a-hole, I am. (That right there was called self-censorship, which is key on the campaign trail. By abbreviating a**hole, I avoided offending any voters).
I know it seems like a long way off, but 2036 is right around the corner. While other candidates may procrastinate running for President until 2035, I’m a man of action, not words. Well, unless words are needed to describe my actions.
Following is a quick overview of my 2036 Presidential platform:
- Give everyone a million dollars
- Repeal the hovercraft tax bill of 2028
- Build a global fence to keep out illegal extraterrestrial aliens
- Legalize gay clone marriage
- Deport all elderly people to a car-less island
- Create a new cabinet post, “Secretary of Awesome,” and appoint Led Zeppelin
- Neuter people who still wear their hats backwards
My cabinet will consist of the following qualified individuals (granted human cloning has been mastered and fictional characters have become real):
Vice President-Seth Green (it’d be an easy transition for people)
Secretary of Defense-Bruce Lee
Secretary of the Interior-Martha Stewart
Secretary of Agriculture-Broccoli
Department of Transportation-The Flash
Secretary of the Treasury-Mr. T
This campaign is in its early stages, but check back for “Hags 2036” t-shirts, buttons, and thongs. I’m currently accepting donations, so by all means, send me your life savings. If you don’t, it means you’re not a patriot and you hate America. Your choice, comrade…