What a crappy apocalypse. Seriously, what a let down. Polar bears drowning? Baby boomers losing their 401(k)s? A successful Vin Diesel movie? If this apocalypse were a movie, I’d walk out. Jerry Bruckheimer could direct a better end-of-the-world story than God has. Every major religion from Christianity to Nostradamus-ity has been hyping a kick-ass apocalypse for centuries, and this is what we get? Wish I still had my Bible receipt.
What’s even worse, this new President seems hell-bent on preventing a cool apocalypse. That means it is up to all of us to pitch in and do what we can to bring on the fire and brimstone. Let’s not drop the ball like we did with Y2K, people. For your convenience, I have brainstormed a few ideas to help you inch us closer to the edge. But be patient! Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.
Step 1. Contribute to Swine Flu hysteria by bringing a Mexican pig to work
You can’t contract Swine Flu from pigs, but Marge from Accounting doesn’t know that! ¡Este cerdo está viniendo para usted, Marge!
Step 2. Legitimize the homeless
This homeless dude is always proclaiming “The world is ending”, but because he is crazy looking, nothing he says is ever taken seriously. BUT, give him a clean shave and a JoS A. Bank suit, and suddenly he becomes a little more convincing…
It sure does, homeless dude. It sure does.
Step 3. Make up stuff about the President to fanaticize right-wingers
Know that guy at work who is always listening to Rush Limbaugh and harassing Jose the janitor? Well, next time you see him in the break room, casually work this sentence into a conversation:
“Hey _____, did you hear that Obama wants to legalize gay fetuses?”
It doesn’t make any sense, but boy does it sound controversial!
This fetus is sporting chaps.
So you see, there is something everyone can do to expedite our seemingly imminent destruction. The dinosaurs got taken out by a big rock; surely we can do better than that!