I Worked Hard For The Money (“Hard” meaning “Not at all.”)

I finally received my rebate check, and it’s about damn time. It still feels weird getting money for doing nothing. I mean, at least hobos weather the elements and beg for it, or think up some elaborate Vietnam backstory (despite being only 35 years old) to get some pity change.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have a little extra spending $$$, but you have to admit the whole plan is flawed; the US government borrowed the money from Chinese banks, then gave it to American citizens to spend, giving the economy a collective reach-around. However, this is the Wal-Mart era, so most of the goods people will be buying will have been manufactured in China, and this is one of the main reasons we’re in this whole mess to begin with. The funny thing is, our children will have to pay back the debt from these rebate checks, meaning they won’t have extra money to spend, meaning Chinese goods will sit on the shelf, meaning China will cut us more checks so we can buy more Chinese shit, meaning our descendants’ chances of finding a non-service job will be even further diminished, meaning…we’re screwed, right? Nope! Yes, Uncle Sam keeps racking up more and more national debt, BUT, if he’s putting all this debt on a credit card, we’re going to have tons of frequent flyer miles coming our way. We can then use these to fly to other countries, like China, which will have plenty of jobs. See, everything works itself out in the end! (Five bucks to anyone who can figure out how many frequent flyer miles $10 trillion on an American Express card will get you)

“I Want You!…To pay this back.”

You think I’m some anti-American liberal now, right? Well buddy, not only did I spend my rebate check (instead of saving it, which defeats the purpose), but I spent it on an American-made mattress, and on the 4th of July to boot! So suck it, Commie. I’ll leave you with a video that is a shining example of capitalism at work, and an entertaining example at that: Paul Anka singing “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

P.S. Speaking of YouTube, if you haven’t done so already check out my Gotham performancehere. Feel free to forward it to your friends and co-workers, so I can compete with Bo Burnham and other YouTube stars/annoying a**holes.

JH