Continue reading »]]> On the way home from work today, I got to thinking “What ever happened to the Pink Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson? She was pretty hot.” I heard she had got into porn, but I wasn’t sure.

So I stopped by amyjojohnson.com. She’s a singer now. Also, she’s older than I thought. I was thinking late 20′s, but she’s in her mid 30′s. She also has some artwork on the site. And surprisingly enough there’s a huge fan site, amyjo.com. It has tons of stuff on it. I’m amazed her career justifies such a devotion. Well, have a good night everyone.

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Nicole Narain (left) and Colin Farrell (far right) star in the controversial tape

Colin Farrel‘s “Sex Tape” comes at a time when our society has developed a blase attitude toward celebrity sex video endouvers, unlike times past where a raunchy video could land you in real trouble (i.e. Rob Lowe). Known for his leading roles in Hollywood blockbusters such as “Minority Report,” Colin Farrell has been in something of a career slump lately. 2004′s fall slouch “Alexander” proved an embarrassing failure for both Farrel and veteran filmmaker Stone, and neither star has yet to fully recover. Mr. Farrell has been reduced to taking sporadic roles on network sitcoms and starring in the historical yawn “The New World.”

It is no surprise he chose now to release “Sex Tape.” Made in 2003 during downtime while shooting “Daredevil,” this film has stirred up loads of media attention, which has to be just what he intended. Low-budget and hardcore, this film attempts to follow on the blazing heels of the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” which blasted Ms. Hilton out of billionaire-heiress obscurity into Fox reality show stardom. Unfortunately for Mr. Farrell, this film is no Paris Hilton Sex Tape.

Unlike the Paris Hilton tape (which was directed by and starred Richard Salomon, husband of Shannon Dougherty), Colin’s sex tape lacks any preparation, any passion and any decent camera angles. Though the S.W.A.T. night vision effect used by Salomon really freaked me out (their eyes glowed like raccoon’s), at least I could make out what was going on. But after the initial two minute P.O.V. oral sex shot, Colin abandons any attempt to make this thing watchable. At times I thought it was being filmed by a Blair Witch cameraman with epilepsy with Helen Keller as D.P.

And what a shame, too. This movie also stars gorgeous Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, and Farrell does her no justice with this film (nor does he in bed). Most disturbing is when he makes her take the camera, and we the audience are forced to see what it looks like to be orally pleasured by the Neo-Nazi haircut Farrell, a disturbing sight indeed. Farrell only adds to the freakiness when he looks up and declares, “Holy f**k, my f**king breakfast lunch and dinner right here, I’m not even f**king joking.” Yum! Dinner, anyone?

Admittedly, this is Colin’s first sex tape. In the film he comments about being an avid porn enthusiast, but for some reason he chose not to tap this storehouse of knowledge for his own video. Also, I am more ripped than Colin Farrell. This dude looks like an Auschwitz survivor who did 10 push-ups minutes before the tape started rolling. I’m also better hung. In the now-classic “Tommy and Pamela Lee” video, I didn’t mind occasionally seeing Tommy’s penis. I’m not gay, but it was a sight to behold, something to tell the grandkids about. Colin’s wang is something you may spot by accident in a Bally‘s shower that makes you feel a little bit better about your manhood.

In his defense, while having awkward/painful “sit-on-my-lap-with-your-back-facing-me” sex, Colin does admit, “This is some of the shabbiest f**king photography in the history of f**king porn, but you know what? I could give a f**k.”

Still, we wish he had.

JH

Continue reading »]]> I’d forgotten how rough the flu can be, as it’s been about eight years since I’ve had it. Simply put: The Flu is a dick. Though it only lasts a few days, it causes horrible misery, and really cramps your social life. And it’s totally pointless. I mean, what does this virus hope to accomplish? AIDS kills people. It has an agenda. Once you’re infected, it will never leave you until it has done its job.

Not the Flu. This pussy wimps out after a few days. Ok, if you’re 80 years old it could be fatal, but so what? That’s nothing for a virus to brag about. I wonder what AIDS and his homey Ebola think of the Flu? They probably kicked his ass in high school. The only thing the Flu deserves props for is longevity. I’m pretty sure he has been around as long as man. But he’s still a punk.

To prove my point, Monday at work, tell a co-worker that you have AIDS. Wait a moment, gauge their reaction, then say you were mistaken, you have the Flu. I bet they won’t be as concerned. They’ll just be miffed that you’ve been dipping your hands in the donut box all morning.

JH